Marriage Is Messy

Messy Thoughts

My life is a mess.  My marriage is a mess.  My kids are a mess.  I am frustrated and don’t know what to do.  My spouse won’t listen to me.  We don’t communicate.  We just fight all the time.  I want to give up because I can’t do it anymore.

But…

I am a Christian and doesn’t God hate divorce?  Shouldn’t I stay in this for the long haul because I promised to love forever while standing at the altar?  What would my family and friends think?  What about the kids?  I feel like a failure at this thing called marriage.  I’m tired.  I hurt.  The pain is so deep.

So I should stay in this messy marriage that is not what I thought it would be.  I ask for change.  I have tried to talk to my spouse until I am blue in the face.  I have tried to ignore the problems.  I have held so many things inside hoping it would all go away.  I have argued, screamed, and given the silent treatment.  I have suggested getting a counselor, talked with my pastor, confided in my friend.  I have suggested a marriage retreat and even been to the marriage events at my church.  But nothing changes and I feel depressed and stuck.

What else am I missing?  What should I do?  Am I just supposed to stay in this misery?  Is this God’s plan for my life?  I. Need. Help.

How many of us have had those thoughts?  Maybe you’ve said those words to someone.  We have all had those moments in marriage.  Friend, you are NOT alone.  Sadly, we keep marital issues locked inside the vault of fear and embarrassment that we do not have it all together.  It is the biggest problem that no one talks about.  That is what makes us feel alone.  Then we see social media.  The highlight reels of our friends with the smiles on their faces, the hugs, the sweet moments.  That picture probably took half an hour of kicking, screaming, and fussing just to stage it!  We compare.  Why can’t my marriage be like that?  Why can’t my wife hug me in that way?  Why can’t my husband support me that way?  Comparison is such a slippery slope.  What no one seems to tell us is that marriage is messy and filled with hard work.  But it is so worth it!

The Result

When you are in the middle of a mess, you tend to try to fix your spouse.  You begin to only notice where he or she does not measure up.  The blinders go on your eyes and all you see is everything going wrong.  That is dangerous territory because you may end up harping and nagging your spouse.  This leads to shut down on your spouse’s part, which leads to more nagging followed by more shut down.  The vicious cycle leaves a massive rift in your marriage the size of the Grand Canyon.  You are on one side.  Your spouse is on the other side.  Neither of you can comprehend a way to cross the divide.  But God…

The Plan

Instead of trying to fix your spouse, because only the Lord can bring about the changes, you’ve got one more option.  It should be the first line of defense, the only option.  PRAY!  Yep.  That’s it.  Get on your knees in that prayer closet and pray for three things.  I can hear you right now saying, “But, Heather, I already pray for my spouse!”  I say to you that scripture tells us to never stop praying.

Rejoice always,  pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

There are so many good nuggets of wisdom in that one simple sentence but I want to focus on the phrase “pray without ceasing.”  

Number 1:  Pray for Your Spouse

What does that phrase “pray without ceasing” tell us?  It means don’t stop talking to God!  Whenever your spouse comes to mind, pray for him or her.  When you feel a moment of angst, pray.  When he or she walks in the door, tell God you are grateful that he or she came home.  Pray to God for your spouse.  Pray that God will speak to him or her.  Pray that God will change your spouse.  When you do not have the words to say, this verse below is a beautiful prayer, it is the word of God.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’ Numbers 6:24-26

And when you pray, let God do His thing in His time.  Stop the nagging.  Stop the reminders. Stop the blaming.  Ask God to remind you of the good and positive things about your spouse.   Ask Him to show you the thing that made you fall in love so many years ago.  And you leave it at that.  Let the Lord do the work because only He can bring about the necessary change.  Your job is to pray for your spouse and wait on Him.

Number 2:  Pray How You Can Change

There is another important thing to pray about because it doesn’t stop with Number 1.  This is equally important.  Pray that God will speak to YOU about ways that you need to change.  Don’t look so shocked and don’t attempt to throw your reading device across the room!  Stick with me.  We can all change with God’s help.  It is easy to think you are only in this mess because of what the other person has done.  And, while that may be true, what if God points out something in your life that He wants to peel away or change?  What if God wants to soften your heart of stone?  What if your words are too harsh?  What if the loud sighs and impatience is getting in the way of reconciliation?  We need to ask God to show us what we are doing wrong and how we can be a better spouse.  That takes humility to let go of the judgement of the other person and let the Lord shine His light on you.  No matter what it is, God always pursues us in ways to help us grow.  He did not save us and leave us the way we were.  The Holy Spirit wants us to be more like Jesus.  So when we feel that nudge from Him to let something go, like our temper and impatience, it is because He wants us more like Him.  So maybe we do need to change something we are doing or not doing that could make the messy marriage magnificent.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Number 3:  Pray God’s Word Into Your Relationship

So you pray for your spouse and you pray for yourself.  But, wait, there’s more!  Pray for peace that passes all understanding.  When something “passes all understanding” it means that we cannot comprehend it.  It does not make sense that we are not anxious at that moment.  Pray for joy in the midst of the storm.  Pray for patience.  And when you pray, believe that God is moving even when you don’t see it.  Know that you are fighting a spiritual battle that requires a lot of prayer. 

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

A Different Result

These are promises in the Bible that God gives us.  These pillars of peace, joy, and patience are verses in the Bible that we can cling to.  Having this type of mindset changes everything.  Doing this gives us a different perspective and way in how we view our spouse, our marriage.  

The Messy Mayer’s 

When Brian comes home in a foul mood after dealing with clients in emotional distress, it may rub off on him.  He has also looked at the finances during his break and seen an additional bill for a car repair that was higher than expected.  The fact that Heather yelled at him for lingering longer and longer at the office stays on Brian’s mind.  And these things continue to happen more and more.  All of these normal daily life issues weigh heavily on Brian and it makes sense that he is in a rotten mood.  Heather senses the attitude and silence as soon as he walks in the door and cringes.  As she prepares dinner she thinks over the recent events and prays for God to calm Brian’s heart, mind, and soul.  She silently and quickly prays for God’s peace to rest on him.  She prays for God to calm her own heart and help her respond with love and she is careful in her words and actions.  Heather looks for ways to be positive.  She asks God to show her something good in all this.  She thanks God for Brian.

Y’all, that is our real life example.  Was there instantaneous change in either of us?  No.  Did it take time? Yes.  When the change didn’t come when I thought it should, did I stop praying?  No.  Pray without ceasing.  Just do it.  Over time, who do you think changed?  Both.  And who changed the most?  Me.  My expectations of Brian and perspective of what I thought should happen shifted.  

As a recap, go to God first.

1. Pray for God to change your spouse.  

2. Pray for God to change you.  

3. Pray for His promises in your life.

(Know that we do not support staying in an abusive marriage and if you find yourself there, we pray you seek safety and reach out for help.  If you find yourself in a marriage where infidelity is present, get godly counsel and seek God for your next steps.)