Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? I Believe It Can

It's a question no one wants to ask: "Can my marriage survive an affair?" The pain of infidelity can feel like a torpedo hitting the very foundation of your relationship. But if you’re asking this question, there is still hope. I believe a marriage can not only survive but also be rebuilt after an affair, and it starts with a commitment to three essential actions.

It will be a long, difficult road, but with genuine effort and a deep desire to heal, recovery is possible.

1. Be Completely Honest

The first and most crucial step is honesty. You must be completely honest about what happened. Some people argue against sharing every detail of a sexual affair to protect their spouse from further pain. While I understand that sentiment—and it’s true that graphic details can cause PTSD—you must be honest about everything else.

This means being truthful about where you were when you lied about your whereabouts, who you were with, and every instance of dishonesty. Honesty is the foundation of rebuilding trust. If you are angry or defensive when confronted, your spouse will feel that you aren't being truthful. It will feel like you’re hiding something and that you’re not taking responsibility for your actions. While no one can guarantee that honesty will save your marriage, I have seen in the couples we've worked with that it is almost always the first step toward genuine recovery.

2. Show Empathy and Be Responsive

After an affair, your spouse will likely have a lot of anger toward you. It's going to feel like a thunderstorm, and you will often feel buried beneath it. This is where empathy and responsiveness come into play.

Your natural reaction might be to get defensive or angry in return, but this will only make things worse. Instead of fueling the fire, you must meet their anger with kindness, respect, and a genuine show of remorse. You have to own your actions and be responsible for the pain you’ve caused.

Being empathetic means listening to their hurt without interruption or defensiveness. It means understanding their pain and acknowledging it, even when it's directed at you. It can be incredibly difficult, but by remaining calm and responsive, you are showing them that you are taking their feelings seriously and that you are committed to doing the work to fix things.

The path to forgiveness is a long one—it's a process. You may even have to ask for forgiveness before it is ever granted to you. But this act of humility can start the long journey toward healing. If you want a guide through this difficult process, I can’t recommend our online Forgiveness Course enough. It's a six-module course with 14 videos and lots of helpful worksheets. You can do it on your own, but it’s most powerful when done with your spouse.

3. Take Proactive Action

The third thing you must do is ensure your words and actions line up. You can say all the right things, but if you don’t change your behavior, your marriage won’t move forward. This requires a proactive, consistent effort to show your spouse they are your priority.

Here are a few examples of how you can do this:

• On your way home from work, call your spouse just to talk. Let them know you want to spend the entire drive home on the phone with them.

• Talk to your boss about your need to leave work on time. You might have to be honest and say that your marriage is in trouble and you need to prioritize your family.

• Make a conscious effort to come home from work at the same time every day to show your spouse that your time with them is more important than your job.

  
  

The truth is, your job is a job, but your family is your life. And you have to show that in your actions. This may require some difficult decisions, and it might not go over well with your boss. But you must ask yourself what is truly more important to you. I encourage you to pray about it and seek guidance in what you should do. Your actions are the only way to prove to your spouse that you are truly committed to rebuilding your marriage.

A Note on Patience

This is not a quick fix. Research suggests that it can take 12 to 18 months to recover from an affair. You'll likely hit moments where you feel frustrated and want to go back to being defensive. But I urge you to be patient and keep moving forward. I’ve seen hundreds of couples work through this, and the ones who succeed are the ones who don't give up.

A Message of Hope

I can't guarantee that your marriage will be saved, but I promise that your chances of surviving and rebuilding increase exponentially when you take these three steps.

I want to encourage you again to go to lovehowdeep.com/forgiveness and use the code FG19 at checkout to get our Forgiveness Online Course for just $19. It’s an incredibly small investment for a marriage that has been hurt. If your spouse won’t do it with you, do it yourself. It will be an incredible help.

I also want to encourage you to go beyond all this and find a relationship with Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate source of healing and forgiveness. If you don’t have a relationship with Him, I pray that you would accept Him as your Lord and Savior, turn from the things you're doing, and let Him help you turn your life around.

Thank you for reading. I can't wait to hear how things are going in your marriage after you implement these things. Please feel free to reach out to me directly at brian@lovehowdeep.com to share your story.