Keeping the Fire Alive in your Marriage
Have you found yourself looking at a couple who seem so in love and connected emotionally? Maybe you’ve found yourself saying how lucky they must be to still have that fire in their relationship? Or perhaps you’re just a teensy bit jealous because you haven’t found the key to keeping the flame alive in your own marriage? If we are all honest, we can say yes, yes, and yes to those questions. This couple could be considered the Courting Couple. They have likely found and maintained the passion and “best friendship-ness” of their marriage because they continue to date one another.
Dating is not just meant for the 16 year old kids! Y’all! It is meant for us to continue even after we are married. Think back to being young and in love. You likely looked at every good and positive quality of your mate and thought about him/her all the time. You took the time to pour on the love, the cuddliest hugs, and write sweet notes/texts. It was so important for you to understand each other on a deeper level and engage in their interests. All of this was important to you and your dating relationship. And your love grew.
What Happened?
And then you got married and got busy with life. College, jobs, children. All of these wonderful blessings from God interrupted the dating life you once had. They were beautiful additions to your life and not at all to blame. Those things enriched your lives as you experienced them together. So, please don’t think that these precious gifts are the reason you feel a rift between you two or the reason you have lost a bit of touch. We are not looking to blame anyone or anything. We ARE looking for ways to reconnect and relight that flame you once had. Don’t roll your eyes! That flame is still there, possibly lying underneath the barely warm coals. It is the tiniest of embers but it’s there. Let’s fan that flame and make it burn bright!
Why Should We Date?
The reasons for dating each in the beginning was to get to know one another, spend time together, communicate, encourage each other, and to fall in love. Guess what! The reasons for dating each other now are to get to know one another, spend time together, communicate, encourage each other, and to fall in love. Yes, the reasons are the same! It is vital that you take the time to talk about your life, your children, your interests, your dreams, your goals, your problems, your solutions, your feelings, your day to day work, your experiences, and your hopes and dreams.
I can hear the questions rolling around in your thoughts...how do we do this when we have children or low funds or differing interests or opposite work hours/schedules? Yes, all of those things put a kink into the ability to continue the dating ritual and stay connected after you are married. I get it. It is easier said than done. The First and most important piece of this puzzle is God. Is He the center of your life and marriage? God should get highest priority in your life. The Second most important part should be your spouse. Ranking Third should be your children. It is all too easy to get the order flipped so that the children become the highest priority and even self takes precedence. Getting things out of order is like a house without a strong foundation and infrastructure. The house crumbles with the slightest breeze. By keeping things in this type of order you will likely find that you maintain some of that desire to spend time with your spouse and keep that connection.
Once you get your priorities in order the way God intended you can begin to focus on dating your spouse and reconnecting. Know that it may be a bit of an uphill battle as you both work towards this goal but stay in the fight. Ask God to show you that love that drew you together so many years ago. Ask Him to help you see your spouse in the same way. Pray for your spouse, your love, your future together. Prioritize your spouse in new ways like you did long ago. All it takes is one person to get this ball rolling. The more interest you take in your spouse, the more he/she will notice you.
How Should We Date?
It takes one of you to suggest a date. By date, I mean going to a coffee shop, taking a walk together, sitting on the front porch together while listening to music, playing a favorite card game or board game. Those are the inexpensive ones! If your budget allows for it then make the dinner reservations. That is always great, too. The goal is spending time together talking.
When was the last time you left a love note lying around or tucked into her purse or his wallet? Sweet words can go such a long way. Don’t discount the act of written love and how this simple thing can change the course of a couple.
Remember when you gushed precious and meaningful words to each other? Those words made your insides feel jittery! Go back to that memory and relive it for a moment. Then tell your spouse sweet nothings. Speak from your heart and see if something magical happens.
When you have children and need a sitter, swap date nights with another couple. This can take the financial burden off of you when you take turns watching each others children. What a blessing it can be to your friendship!
What about personal interests and shared interests? When you were dating you may have learned more about each others likes, dislikes, and hobbies in an effort to get to know each other. Over time, you may not have focused on that very much. It may be time to put forth the effort because it will make your spouse feel like you care about the thing he/she cares about. Make sense? Let me put it like this. I did not enjoy sports of any kind growing up. However, because my husband likes football, I will semi-watch the game and ask questions about the play. Now, do I really care to know all the details? NO! But, don’t tell him I said that! Ha! The thing that makes my husband feel special is that I am asking, putting in the effort to share this love of football with him. It can be that simple. Let’s turn the tables with another example. When I am in my crafty mode designing a wreath for the front door I ask for my husband’s opinion. Does he really care about the flowers or colors? Probably not. And that’s ok. He chimes in with his opinion and tells me he likes it because he knows the result is a wife who feels cherished. That’s all it takes. Show a renewed interest in the things your spouse cares about.
Another way to reconnect is as simple as a hug that happens for no reason. A pat on the back, holding hands, putting your arm around the other person. For whatever reason, G-rated physical intimacy falls away as time goes on. It may feel weird or forced at first but you want to create a new habit that shows the attraction to your spouse. Don’t let the reason for doing this be an end result of time in the bedroom. Yes, that is a good thing too, probably best for another blog post. But, rekindle the flame with sweet moments that show how much you care for the other person.
Now, Take Action
As with any of these suggestions, they may all seem fake but don’t let it deter you. Go for it! Sometimes so much water has passed under the bridge that it seems all hope is lost. Like I said before, it takes one person to make a small change. Let that person be you. Keep doing these things so they become a habit and your love for each other grows into a wild flame. I dare you!!!
Be sure to check out the Date Nights page on the website. There are many fun and creative dates for you to implement with your spouse to get the ball rolling. Be sure to check back in the future for more Date Nights!
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