How to Grow Closer to Your Spouse in Everyday Life
I am in a Christian marriage, after all my wife and I both believe that Jesus is the only way to God the Father (salvation) and to live an eternal life with him. You would think this would automatically come with a life filled with non-stop joy. This is of course the goal, but is easier said than done. Even Christians who have the peace of knowing that there is someone else we can put our trust into, can sometimes be missed because life can pull us away from that.
So we have to all be intentional as much as we can to make sure that we do find the joy in the mundane of life. Notice I didn't say we have to get rid of the mundane tasks of life but rather to ensure that while we are "doing" the mundane, that our mental mindsit is one of joy in those little moments.
I know for me, grocery shopping is of those mundane tasks in the life of a Christian Marriage. It's not the most meaningful task for anyone, let alone someone like me who has difficulty in even wanting to spend money. However, at some point something clicked for me. I decided to choose enjoying the time with Heather, my wife over the task or thing we were doing. It became all about how can I focus more on our conversations, how can we laugh more, how can we even talk about the future while looking for coffee. Once I changed that mindset it definitely became easier and a more joy filled experience.
So with that here are 5 tips for Christian Married Couples to find Joy in the Mundane.
1. Make Time for Each Other Every Day
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2
Your time is all about priorities. We have a finite amount of time on this earth. What that means is we often have to put aside our selfish desires and make time for our spouse. The right order of things is God first, spouse second, kids third, and so on. Unfortunately we so often put other things first and squeeze out time for our spouses.
Throughout these articles I can hopefully share with you that I am imperfect and don't get it right but at the same time I do think I get it right more often that I get it wrong. For example just yesterday, Heather who is a teacher is getting ready for the new school year and she had to go to school on a Sunday evening to get a few things ready.
I decided rather than go for a run, work on a project, or watch TV that I would go with her. We took a couple of pieces of furniture and I helped her move them where she wanted. Then as she got things settled, I asked if I could pray with her about the school year. I could see the hint of tears come to her eyes and she just kep telling me Thank you.
These are the moments that won't soon be forgotten for either of us. Why? Because we made time for each other.
2. Find Ways to Connect over Shared Interests or Hobbies
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
This is a big one and really I might argue that you don't necessarily need to share in your love of the interest but that indeed helps. Make a list of what each of you likes to do and then compare notes. See what similarities there are. Maybe something on the list isn't exactly the same, but it could be close. For example, say one of you likes hiking in the mountains while the other likes walking on level ground. While the place you like to go isn't the same, there is something in common that you can draw on for some sort of compromise.
Research suggests that men bond more when it is a shared activity. I have often wondered why this is, and the conclusion I have come to is the way men's brain's are wired. Men are more logical and less emotional generally speaking. So when you ask a man to have a deep conversation, the first thing we might do is eye roll or wonder what we have done wrong. But throw in a shared activity and sometimes those deep conversations can happen organically and naturally.
My wife and I do love to take walks and this past summer we flew to Fort Worth, TX where she showed me where she grew up. I'll never forgot our time in one park where she showed an area that she probably sat at 25 years prior while she ate her lunch, read a book and contemplated what life would be like after a divorce. Talk about a powerfully connecting conversation that was for both of us.
3. Practice gratitude by intentionally expressing appreciation for each other and the good things in your life.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Most Christian Married Couples thrive when there is an overflow of appreciation. I might almost argue that you can't have enough of this in your relationship. Thanking your spouse even for the small things, shows you care and are paying attention.
For me, I almost always (sometimes I do forget) to tell Heather thanks for making dinner. Her meals are very tasty so it makes this a bit easier, but still it can take effort the longer I am married to remember to do this. So I try to make sure I compliment her in two ways - for the time and energy she spent and also the tastiness of the food.
I'll never forget a very egregious error I made at the very first meal she ever cooked for me. She made chicken and cheese enchiladas. She is said it was one of her signature dishes. Well when I took a few bites, I remember thinking the chicken didn't taste right. It was almost as if it were freezer burned. Well unfortunately for me I happened to vocalize this and it did not go over well. While Heather took it in stride, this "incident" would come up from time to time. It was presented in kind of a joking way when we usually talk about, but still lesson learned for me on that one.
So the moral here is more appreciation and less negativity.
4. Be present in the moment and try to let go of distractions
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." - Matthew 6:34
Well this isn't really a crazy new idea any longer. I'll never forgot a news article, when smart phones began to take off. The headline read, "The Year We Stopped Talking to Each Other." As we know phones and technology have made it so we can reach anyone within a second. However, it has led to probably more shallow relationships and less deep ones.
And the bigger issue is the distraction it causes in our lives. Whether we are texting someone else, reading a news article, or reading a business email, it is distracting us from what is right in front of us. It takes time away from our spouse and kids who again are right in front of us.
This one has been a tough one for me and often takes me having to go put the phone in another room. I have even thought about getting a small lock box. I would lock the phone in the box, but the box on the top floor of our townhome, and take the key down to the basement. Then if I really want to look at my phone, it will take a ton of effort to do so. Haven't done it yet but maybe this article I am writing will give me the accountability to do so.
What might you do, to lessen distractions? Just commit to one small thing. That way you have more chance of succeeding.
5. Celebrate the small moments and milestones in your relationship
"Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." - Mark 10:9
This one is a big one and a good way to end. Who doesn't like celebrations to honor milestones met. It could an anniversary or even a small project completed. It can be a memorable experience to mark something like this with an event. A few things to watch out for though when it comes to celebrating.
For a long time (and maybe we still do), food was at the center of celebrations. While this is good, I have had to show restraint in this area otherwise the old waistline pays for it. So everything in moderation right? Heather and I do a better job at restaurants to share food when possible. I remember a time when you might be charged extra for sharing something but that seems to have gone away. So we do this more to keep the waistline trim that we really care about the wallet. But the lower expense is an added bonus.
Also be careful to let alcohol be the center of the celebration. An occasion glass of wine or sip of bubbly can be a fun experience. However, binging and not feeling good the next day can really take away from the fun or celebrating. So I say look up non-alcoholic beverage recipes and put something like that together. It can be a fun thing to do together.
I know as Heather and I have been putting together our company, Love How Deep we are trying to make sure we celebrate. And honestly some of it for me is a motivation. For example the other day, when I said let's make a goal of discussing the Love How Deep Couples Experience with the Pastor at our church and put together marketing materials, to then celebrate that with a night at a local hotel.
Final Thoughts
Remember living a life filled with joys happens often in the small moments. It also often starts between our ears and in listening to the promptings of God. So I urge you today to take at least one of these 5 points today and do something to connect more with your spouse and in turn increase the joy you experience today.
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