Exposing the Eye-Opening Realities That Shape the Fate of Marital Relationships
You must know that I am a self proclaimed "numbers nerd." I am not exactly sure what it is about numbers that have so intrigued me my entire life. Maybe it's that the properties and principles surrounding numbers don't usually change (you can always count on them....pun intended). So the square root of 144 will always be 12, or that pi always starts with 3.14. Maybe it is that numbers don't argue, they are what they are.
Whatever it is, I can remember all the way back to my childhood about how numbers spoke to me. It started when at some point I took a liking to baseball maybe around age 7. And yes, I liked to play baseball, watch baseball, and read stories about baseball players. However, there was one thing I loved to do far and above anything else when it came to baseball. Give me a stack of baseball cards and I could spend hours reading the back of the card. What was on the back of the card you ask? Statistics!
I could tell you how many seasons Pete Rose had over 200 hits (10 times), or how many homeruns Mike Schmidt hit (548) or how many no-hitters Nolan Ryan threw (7). Now for purposes of writing this article I did have to look these things up. However, when I was 12 I could most likely tell you numbers like this without looking anything up (and besides it wasn't easy to look anything up back then anyway).
Ok, so all this being said you didn't come here to understand my love of numbers but it will give you a sense for why I wrote this article. I was so blown away the first time I heard the following statistics about marriage that it changed how I worked professionally with couples and how I interacted with my own wife. I hope the same happens for you.
Before we dive in, lets get to know John Gottman Couples Reseacher
John Gottman is a very famous (at least in couples therapy circles) couples and marriage researcher. He has researched couples for over 40 years. Many of them would spend time in his Apartment Lab or what became known in the media as the "Love Lab." He and his team would observe couples living in this lab for a day or two and notate the interactions that the each spouse had with each other. Over the years he was able to put names and numbers to what interactions he was seeing. Eventually as the years passed he was able to correlate these numbers to marital satisfaction and even if the couple would remain together.
All of what you are getting ready to see is attributed directly to him. Get ready to have your socks blown off and you perception of marriage and relationships changed forever.
1. Divorce predicted correctly 93.6% of the time
When something called the 4 Horsemen are present in a relationship with a great frequency and severity, John Gottman eventually predicted couples would end up divorcing 93.6% of the time.
What are the Four Horsemen? I am glad you asked. Here they are and what they mean:
Criticism: This goes beyond simply expressing something that your spouse did that you are unhappy about. It becomes more about an upset over their character or personality. Sometimes the words "always" or "never" enter the dialogue. Something like "you never wash the dishes" or "you always laugh at inappropriate times." It becomes an attack at the core of who they are.
Defensiveness: This often happens in response to criticism. When one feels attacked personally, they will attempt to block this and not take responsibility. Typically the block comes in two forms.
The Whiner: Sometimes a spouse may start to whine and give a laundry list of excuses. For example, "the reason I don't wash the dishes, is because I have to sweep, mop, get the kids cleaned up, call my mom, etc, etc." In other words, get off my back, I have many reasons (EXCUSES) why I can't do what you are asking.
The Flipper: The Flipper turns things on the spouse. It goes something like this, "I don't do the dishes, but you don't vacuum or ever do the clothes." It is basically communicating, "I'm not as bad as you." It is a confrontational counter attack that of course generally leads to nowhere.
Contempt: This one is the worst. It is name calling, mocking, sneering etc. It communicates that I think very little of you and I'm up here on a pedestal and your down there. This one, Gottman research shows will push people faster to divorce that the other 3. I find in my work with couples that this one is more rare, but it is certainly very deadly when it is present.
Stonewalling: This happens when one person shuts down. They might still be physically present but they have gone cold. It happens because one spouse possibly becomes so overwhelmed by the other's negativity that they don't know how to handle it. They think maybe if I just get quiet it will stop, but usually that fuels the spouse even more.
With the 4 Horsemen, the goal is reduce these (except Contempt should stop altogether). The problem sometimes though is that they all feed off of each other and so it really does take both people making a committment to reduce and/or stop. Maybe the next time you see these clip clopping into your conversations, that you will remember that divorce is coming if it does not stop.
2. Divorce in 5.6 or 16.2 Years?
So what exactly are these 2 numbers referring to?
The Scorched Earth Couple (5.6):
The first number - 5.6 refers back to what we just talked about - The Four Horsemen. Gottman and his team found that again when these were present with regularity in couples conversations, the couple could usually only last 5.6 years before they divorced.
When I work with couples in my counseling practice that won't stop arguing, I will talk about the Four Horsemen and this 5.6 year number. Then if I am feeling bold, I might ask "how many years have you been married." If they are approaching 5.6, I will usually get a deer in the headlight look before they answer! It helps them recognize the waterfall is coming and they are about to both go over.
Living in Iceville (16.2):
Ok, so what is the 16.2? For couple where one or both go cold and emotionally withdrawal, the marriage typically ends in divorce 16.2 years later. Things like shared humor, affection and empathy are gone. The couple doesn't tend to argue but act more like quiet roomates. Sort of like the old ships passing in the night cliche.
Obviously this relationship doesn't last either, but it makes sense it can last 3 times longer that the scorched earth couple. While both are not good, most of us would agree we could sustain being in a cold marriage much longer than one in which we are under attack all the time.
3. 69% of the time there is no solution
This number refers to a concept called Perptual Issues versus Solvable issues.
Did you know that couples only have 2 kinds of issues? They have Perpetual issues and Solvable Issues.
Solvable Issues:
Let's start with the easy one - Solvable Issues. The couple may disagree but eventually come to a solution that both parties are okay with and that lacks any kind of lasting resentment or underlying issue. It could be "What should we eat for dinner tonight?" or "What movie should we watch?" Now to be fair this might not be a solvable issue for all couples because the solvable issues are different for different couples.
Perpetual Issues:
Perpetual Issues are disagreements where there is not a clear solution. These issues can often come up over and over and over again. With each pass they cause each person to grow more angry, resentful, and entrenched. Eventually some perpetual issues cannot be discussed, because one or both people feel like they can step on a landmine at any moment.
So why do Perpetual Issues exist and why can't two smart people come together? Maybe we should ask Congress. But seriously, they happen because each person has:
Different upbringings (childhood)
Different personalities (God wired them differently)
Different experiences throughout life
All of these things have shaped each person into different people. So it is possible this shows in parenting for example - one spouse lays the hammer down while the other wants to go easy. This is not necessarily a problem, but becomes one if one or both spouses tries hard to get the other to change. It often ain't happening! Why? Refer back to the 3 "different" bullet points above.
Now probably unbelievably, about 69% of all issues a couple face are Perpetual meaning there is no easy solution and a higher likelihood that things will get messy and intense. Yikes!
The key is understand where your partner is coming from and to not try to change them. It is also up to you to politely help your partner understand your position and that it will also be hard for you to change. When this happens, real growth and closeness occur.
4. 100% of Couples Agree (Kind of) About The Power of Forgiveness
Okay, so that number isn't from Gottman and full disclosure I made it up. But it SHOULD BE TRUE! Right?
Do you have any Perpetual Issues that exist in your marriage. Any issues that have calcified to a place of anger, bitterness, or maybe even the icyness that we discussed? If so it might time for forgiveness.
Do either of you have trouble with forgiveness, don't really know what it is, or want to understand what it is and how best to implement it in your marriage? Then we have the answer.
For a limited time, we are offering the course not for the regular price of $297 but at $97! Just enter the code FG97 where it says "Have a Coupon" at checkout.
5. Mind Blown Yet?
Whew! That was a lot to take in. Even just writing it makes me shudder a bit. The point though in writing this and having you read it, is to pay more attention to your relationship and the interactions you have with your spouse.
While some of these things and numbers feel gloomy there is light at the end of the tunnel. The easiest answer is just do the opposite like George Constanza once did in Seinfeld. He was so tired of not landing the girl through his lies, he decided he would be honest that "he lived with parents, was jobless, and balding." And Voila! He got the girl.
Well maybe it isn't that easy, but really it takes being intentional and working together to avoid what was described in this article.
6. Final Note: Get Our Free Marriage Temperature Quiz
If you want to see where your marriage stands, get the free Marriage Temperature Quiz PDF.
Take the quiz, see where you scored, and then take a look at the suggestions for each temperature reading.
You'll also be subscribed to our newsletter to stay in touch with everything we do at Love How Deep.
Thanks for reading!
Kommentare