Strengthening Your Marriage and Connection Through Active Listening
You might be wondering why the dog photo above? Ever noticed when we talk to dogs, it really appears they can be so intent and fully present with us by hanging on every word? Well my theory on that is every word we say, must sound like we are saying "bacon" in their language. But the point is that at least from outside appearances, do a great job at active listening.
For us as humans especially in a Marriage with lots going on and lots of expectations with our spouse, the kids, our work, a small group, a ministry, time with friends it can be difficult to maintain being mentally and emotionally present with our spouse.
Here are 3 quick tips to help you with something called Active Listening to grow in your connection with each other as a married couple.
1. Be Fully Present to get better at Active Listening
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20
If you listen to my advice for any length of time, you'll probably get tired of this one. Being Fully Present is so difficult today with all of the distractions. But I once heard that we want to make sure obstacles don't become excuses. This is often what we do with things like our phone. We get defensive and say we are answering an important text instead of listening to what our spouse is saying.
I know I have been guilty of picking up my phone right in the middle of Heather, my wife talking about her day. If I do that long enough and too many times, she might decide there are other people in her life that are willing to listen. So what happens then, our connection and marriage suffers.
I find putting things down and looking at my spouse in the eyes while she is talking is good enough to help me stay focused. Even something as simple as this can really show you care. So don't be like me and pick up your phone while your spouse is in mid-story.
2. Empathetic Listening for the Married Couple
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
So what in the heck is empathetic listening? It is active listening taken one step further. While Active Listening you are showing your partner you are intently interested in what they are saying and are present with them. With Empathetic Listening, you are tuning into any feelings you might be hearing.
To be clear not every conversation needs Empathetic Listening, but again if you detect happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise or any other number of emotions, you will want to make a mental note of that. Continue of course listening for details in the story and comment on them with Active Listening.
But Empathetic Listening can deepen your connection in ways you probably have never though. So a quick example of this is that my wife has a phobia of spiders (she states it is a healthy fear, but I beg to differ). So when she might be describing the horror of having one crawl up her back, I can respond in many ways. I can be dismissive, and say something like "that's no big deal it wouldn't have bothered me." Or I could "one-up" her and say something about snake I came across earlier in the day that was much more scary. Or I could simply be empathetic, and say something "oh wow that really frightened you....yeah I think if it were me I'd be frightened to."
So think about being on the other end of those responses. Which one would you rather have heard. Mostly likely it would have been the empathetic one where you have honored your spouses feelings as real, valid, and acceptable and that you have put yourself in their shoes.
3. Avoid Jumping to Solutions to Increase Connection
"To answer before listening— that is folly and shame." Proverbs 18:13
Yikes, I do this one all the time. I also sad to say do this a lot in my therapy practice. I am mental health practitioner who helps couples communicate and helps individuals with anxiety and depression. Sometimes when they finish describing something bothersome, I will immediately jump in with something they should try to alleviate the situation.
Well there are many issues and problems with this. The first one is the person never asked for a solution, so really it communicates that you don't really care to understand what is needed. Secondly, it a very strange way it communicates that their issues are trivial and that a quick suggestion by me, the "Oracle at Delphi" will fix the issue.
Really what you and I could do better is of course Actively Listen, Empathetically Listen, and then simply ask "Is there any help you need with this issue," or "what do you need as you are talking about this." Often our spouse just wants to be able to dump it out. The answer can be figured out later.
Final Thoughts
These 3 simple but sometimes not easy techniques can help you both grow closer together in your walk as a Married Couple. And I do believe that Jesus encourages these three things with your spouse and really with anyone. Make sure to give Him the credit when you do these because if you are like me I do crave to hear from Jesus. I wish he audibly spoke to me but sometimes he just gives me a thought or a feeling and really that is good enough for me.
Happy Talking....and Listening!
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