Healing for the Individual in a Christian Marriage
When we talk about forgiveness, it is often difficult to forgive someone else but sometimes even harder to forgive ourself. I recently listened to a podcast episode that talked about negative self criticism. The guest, who was a researcher on guilt and shame, said that we are much easier on others when they mess up than we are on ourselves when we mess up.
It is something called the "negative inner self critic" that often has a very loud voice within us. It sometimes comes from our past. If you had an important adult figure in your life that would criticize you, tell you that you were always getting it wrong, or even more harmful - something like "I wish you were never born", then it can damage us for long time.
If you are a Christian and especially in a Christian marriage, you have been told many times that the path to connection back to your spouse is to seek forgiveness from them for things you have done and to grant forgiveness for something they have done. However, so little time is spent on forgiving ourselves. It's like when we have done something wrong, we are supposed to be a martyr and continue carrying that thing we did.
But I don't think that is how it is supposed to work. I would like to take some time to set the record straight so that you can begin to live a life more abundantly as a spouse in a Christian marriage.
God Does Not Condemn Us
It says in the bible, specifically in Romans, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:1-4 NIV).
So the creator of the universe and the one who created you is telling you that you are no longer sentenced to death for your sin. In fact it is now just the opposite. You have been freed from what you did, not by anything you have done but by what Jesus Christ did in your place on the cross.
Have you ever seen the movie called "The Passion of the Christ?" In the very beginning of the movie they reference in part this passage:
Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all" (Isaiah 53:4-6)
So this means that while, yes, the wrongdoings we commit are not good, that we receive life and peace instead of what we deserve which is death and chaos. To put it simply God forgives us and so he wants us to forgive ourselves. So ultimately forgive yourself and find redemption.
Not Forgiving Yourself Can Actually Be Selfish
Probably as you read the title of this section you might be a bit irritated. How can dealing with your own guilt and shame be selfish. Hear me out on this one. I want to be clear that there is a time for sadness and a time for grief. However, we can carry on too long with this sort of thing. The longer we carry on with it the more it can appear to others to be selfish.
If you are having difficulty forgiving yourself, then your spouse, I am sure, over time is probably getting exasperated that you are not making the choice to let this go. As you read earlier, God made a choice to forgive you by what he did. Since you are made in his image, you also have the ability to make that same choice.
I would encourage you that in order to more forward individually and in your Christian marriage that you work to let go of whatever it is that you have done. It is really the only way you can move forward and your marriage can move forward. So really take stock of the length of time that you may have been holding onto something and decide if you are ready to let it go.
Not Forgiving Yourself Can Be Unhealthy
Did you know that not forgiving yourself can actually harm your physical and emotional health. It is true that when we harbor negative feelings about anything especially ourselves it can result in increased production of stress hormones called adrenaline and cortisol. The longer and more often these hormones are secreted in the body, the more likely we are to develop emotional and physical issues.
So just remember the harm you are causing yourself when it comes to holding a grudge against yourself. My desire for you is that live you an abundant overcoming life. You unfortunately can't do that unless you work to forgive yourself.
Now even though I consider forgiving yourself a choice, it is often not easy to do this. As you are reading this, you may attempt to forgive yourself and find you can't or that it does not stick. This is very common because the longer we hold onto unforgiveness of ourselves, the longer it can sometimes take to stick.
Forgive Yourself and Find Redemption
So I would encourage you to keep trying. Ask your spouse for assistance. Ask your spouse to pray for and with you that you might be able to forgive yourself. Be consistent in this and the likelihood of it happening will increase.
If you need more help in the area of forgiveness especially if you and your spouse have experienced hurts that has caused disconnections, I would encourage you to check out our course below. While it is better to go through something like this course together as a Christian Married couple, it would still be beneficial individually as well.
Here is more information:
Want the Power of Forgiveness in your Christian Marriage?
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Thanks for reading!
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