Lot's of issues you face as a married couple are not easily solvable, so let's discuss how to navigate those in your relationship.
Marriage is not always easy, but it can provide so many good benefits when we celebrate the good and work on the not so good. Let’s focus on the issues and problems that arise in a marriage in this article. Did you know that according to John Gottman’s research on couples and marriage, that he discovered that couples only have two kind of issues? Makes it sound easy right? Well, easy to remember but tougher to navigate. Those two kind of issues are – Solvable Issues and Perpetual Issues.
Understanding Perpetual and Solvable Problems
In his studies, Gottman discovered that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of perpetual problems, while only 31% are solvable problems. This distinction is crucial for couples aiming to build a harmonious and enduring relationship.
Perpetual Problems are ongoing issues that stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle. These are the problems that keep resurfacing because they are tied to deeply held beliefs or inherent traits. For instance, one spouse might be introverted and prefer quiet evenings at home, while the other is extroverted and enjoys social gatherings. These differences are unlikely to change drastically over time.
Solvable Problems, on the other hand, are specific issues that arise and can be addressed through practical solutions and effective communication. These might include disagreements about household chores, financial decisions, or holiday plans. While these problems can be challenging, they are not rooted in core differences and can be resolved with cooperative effort.
Navigating Perpetual Problems with Grace
Given that a significant portion of marital issues are perpetual, it’s essential to approach these with patience, understanding, and grace. Here are some strategies, grounded in both Gottman's research and Christian principles, to help navigate these enduring challenges:
Acceptance and Respect: Recognize and respect each other’s differences. Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with everything but that you acknowledge your spouse’s viewpoint as valid. Romans 15:7 reminds us, "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."
Dialogue Over Debate: Engage in constructive conversations about these issues. Gottman suggests the use of “soft start-ups” to begin discussions gently and with care. Avoid blaming or criticizing. Instead, express your feelings and needs calmly and respectfully. Proverbs 15:1 advises, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Compromise and Flexibility: While some aspects of perpetual problems may never change, finding a middle ground is crucial. Compromise involves both partners making concessions to reach a mutually satisfactory solution. Philippians 2:3-4 encourages us to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
Humor and Affection: Maintain a sense of humor and show affection, even in the midst of disagreements. Lightening the mood with a bit of humor can ease tension and remind you both of your love and bond. Ephesians 4:2-3 says, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."
Tackling Solvable Problems with Teamwork
Solvable problems, while less daunting than perpetual ones, still require diligent effort and teamwork. Here are some tips for addressing these issues effectively:
Identify the Problem Clearly: Clearly define the issue at hand without letting it get tangled with other unrelated concerns. This clarity helps in devising practical solutions. James 1:19 advises, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Use Active Listening: Pay close attention to your spouse’s perspective. Active listening involves hearing their words, understanding their emotions, and responding thoughtfully. This practice fosters mutual respect and understanding. Proverbs 18:13 teaches, "To answer before listening—that is folly and shame."
Collaborative Problem-Solving: Approach the issue as a team. Brainstorm potential solutions together, evaluate their feasibility, and agree on a course of action. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 highlights the strength of partnership: "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up."
Follow Through: Ensure that both partners follow through on the agreed solutions. Accountability and reliability build trust and reinforce the sense of partnership. Luke 16:10 reminds us, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much."
Seek Forgiveness and Reconciliation: When mistakes are made, seek forgiveness and aim for reconciliation promptly. Holding onto grudges or unresolved anger can escalate minor issues into significant conflicts. Colossians 3:13 urges, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Cultivating a Christ-Centered Marriage
A Christ-centered marriage is not immune to conflict but is equipped with the tools to navigate it with grace and love. By integrating Gottman’s insights with biblical principles, couples can strengthen their relationship and grow closer through challenges.
Prayer and Reflection: Regularly pray together and individually for wisdom and patience in dealing with both perpetual and solvable problems. Seek God’s guidance in your interactions and decisions. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Scriptural Guidance: Turn to the Bible for wisdom and comfort. Scriptures provide timeless advice on handling conflicts and maintaining a loving relationship. Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."
Community Support: Engage with your church community for support and encouragement. Sharing experiences with other couples can provide new perspectives and solutions. Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another."
Continual Growth: Commit to growing together spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Attend marriage workshops, read books on Christian marriage, and seek counseling if needed. 2 Peter 3:18 advises, "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
Conclusion
Understanding the nature of perpetual and solvable problems in marriage is crucial for navigating conflicts effectively. By embracing acceptance and respect for perpetual issues and employing teamwork and communication for solvable ones, couples can build a resilient and loving relationship. Anchoring these strategies in Christian faith ensures that love, patience, and grace guide every step of the journey.
As you navigate the complexities of marriage, remember that challenges are opportunities for growth and deeper connection. With faith as your foundation and love as your guide, you can overcome any obstacle and build a marriage that reflects God’s love and grace.
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