Learn Better Ways to Support Your Spouse
No matter how long you have been married, emotional neglect can happen. Sometimes it is a very conscious thing that one or both people are aware. Sometimes, it is a bit more subtle and happens when we run on auto-pilot due to the busyness of life.
When we are caught in a cycle of putting out a fire only to drift into the next fire, it causes us to lose sight of our marriage and most importantly our spouse. No doubt our lives are busier than ever. I know I remember times growing up back in the 1970’s where it always seemed like we all had time for each other. Now you invite friends and family to a gather and half of the people say they have something else going on.
The same goes in a marriage. Maybe you ask your spouse for their attention and they constantly ask you to wait while they send that last time or answer that last email. Occasionally this is okay, but all too often it becomes a pattern. So, let’s take a look at 3 common ways we as spouses in a marriage can emotionally neglect each other. More importantly though we will talk about what to do about it as well.
Lack of Active Listening
Issue
One way emotional neglect can manifest is when a spouse fails to actively listen to their partner's thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Active listening is so much more than simply hearing what the other person is saying. Because of all of the distractions in life, this getting harder.
This one is kind of like going to your boss’s office and asking to talk. The boss says hey definitely want to talk but do you mind if I review this spreadsheet while we talk. You walk in, say what you need to say only to find you get a few nods and a few “uh-huh” but no eye contact and not much dialogue.
Same thing can happen in a marriage. We can say we are ready to talk but it certainly isn’t very active. In fact, it is rather passive listening which does not to draw us closer to our spouse.
Solution
Encourage regular, focused communication by setting aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention, asking open-ended questions, and showing empathy and understanding.
Don’t forget body language, tone, and eye contact.Sometimes it isn’t what you say it but how you say it. Often, we say so much more to our spouse when we turn to look at them, use a gentle and calm tone, and look at them in the eyes.If you each practice this much more, you will feel much more emotionally supported.
Emotional Distance
Issue
Emotional neglect can also occur when a spouse becomes emotionally distant, withdrawing from emotional connection and intimacy. This one can happen for lots of reasons. Sometimes it is just the natural way in which one spouse handles emotions – they close off. Sometimes a betrayal like an affair, drug addiction, or gambling can cause one to hide from the shame and guilt. It’s also possible one spouse is getting henpecked so much that they hide from the barrage of verbal arrows.
Whatever the reason, emotional distance is poison to a relationship. This can allow outside influences in, if they haven’t already entered. Obviously, you each are individuals and it is good to have some space in a marriage. However there has to be a balance between alone and together time.
It is unfortunate, but Heather have seen it all too often what this distance can do in a marriage.We see it on our couch when we mentor couples.One spouse pleads with the other to see this as an issue, only to get mild if any response at all.It really is a sad state when marriages enter into this area.
Solution
Initiate honest conversations about the emotional distance you perceive. For this one, we would recommend the person that has the tendency to withdraw or that has withdrawn be the one to initiate these discussions. It’s obvious the one who is engaged or is the “emotional pursuer” has shown themselves to be able to initiate.
Express your feelings and concerns while being receptive to your partner's perspective. This applies to both people. Feelings are what connects two people. Sometimes it happens below the surface where we don’t have to talk about it. However occasionally it something that needs to be talked about. As is common, one of you is more adept than the other at talking about emotions. For the one who is fearful, make sure you say that including what specifically you are fearful about and ask for help from your spouse.
Consider couples therapy to work through underlying issues and reconnect emotionally.There is nothing wrong with seeking help.Probably every couple at some point in their relationship could use some outside help.If professional counseling is too much, then seek out another couple you trust.
Failure to Validate Feelings
Issue
Emotional neglect may involve dismissing or invalidating a partner's emotions, making them feel unheard or unimportant. This one happens a lot even with couples who find themselves generally happy. I know I am guilty of this one from time to time even though I would like say we have a great marriage.
So, what does this one look like? It can be as simple as responding with “It’s not a big deal” to an issue your spouse is venting about. Even though well intended, this can come across as if you are minimizing your spouse’s issue. I get it though, what you are really trying to communicate is “I hate that this upsets you, and I want to help your feel better.” The problem with this is that most humans in the very moment they are experiencing something emotionally want to simply be heard and seen.
Solution
Practice validation by acknowledging your partner's feelings, even if you don't fully understand or agree with them. Say things like, "I understand why you feel that way," or "Your feelings matter to me." This validation can create a more supportive and connected atmosphere in the relationship.
Save the solutions for last. As a matter of fact, please ask if a suggestion for a solution is wanted by your spouse. If they say “No,” then your job just got easier. Simply practice Active Listening, get Emotionally Close, and Validate Feelings. That really doesn’t take much work when you think about it.
Addressing emotional neglect requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together to create a more emotionally nurturing and supportive environment within the marriage.
Don’t forget about our Free 10 Practical Communication Strategies Guide.The guide comes with a quiz to identify what you do well and what needs work.There are 10 tips and conversation starting questions for each that you can ask each other.The purpose is to enhance communication in your marriage and to draw you more emotionally close.
Get the FREE "10 Practical Communication Strategies for Married Couples" Guide
The guide comes with a quiz to identify what you do well and what needs work.There are 10 tips and conversation starting questions for each that you can ask each other.The purpose is to enhance communication in your marriage and to draw you more emotionally close.
Click Here to Get the FREE GUIDE 10 Practical Communication Strategies for Married Couples.
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