The Silent Root: Why We Fight and How to Find Peace

It's a familiar scene in countless marriages. The laundry piles up, the dishwasher isn't emptied, or a discussion about the kids suddenly spirals into a heated argument. You stand there, frustrated and exhausted, wondering why you and your spouse keep getting stuck in the same cycle. Why do you fight so much?

Here at Love How Deep, we’ve found that whether the surface issue is chores, money, or even just needing a moment of peace and quiet, the root cause is almost always the same. We want to dive into a powerful truth today, a biblical insight that can reframe every argument you’ll ever have: At the root of nearly every fight in your marriage is selfishness.

The Question That Changes Everything

The Apostle James asked this question thousands of years ago, and it still hits home: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1).

Think about that. The origin of the conflict isn't the trash can; it's the internal battle raging inside each of us. It is the clash of two separate, self-centered desires that often turns a simple disagreement into an all-out war. It’s the voice inside saying, "I want what I want, and I want it now."

Whether it’s the desire for rest, the desire to be right, the desire for financial control, or simply the desire for our spouse to see things our way, these powerful, personal wants shut down our ability to communicate and connect. We lose sight of what our spouse might need in that moment, and we cease to have good intentions for their well-being. We just want to win.

We’ve learned—often the hard way—that in those rare moments when we do argue, it truly boils down to our own selfish desires. We are constantly learning and growing, and as humans, we are born with a propensity toward self-interest. But we are called to something higher.

Submission: A Choice, Not a Sentence

When we talk about this truth in James 4, the title of that chapter section is significant: “Submit yourselves to God.”

For many, the word submit carries negative baggage—it sounds like being stepped on, walked all over, or being a doormat. But biblical submission, especially in marriage, is a far more beautiful and powerful concept.

It’s a choice. It's the conscious decision to say, "I am going to let go of what I want right now and support my spouse," not with a resentful "Fine, do what you want," but with genuine love and care. It’s the act of prioritizing your spouse’s needs—whether it's rest, encouragement, or even the chance to "win" a small disagreement—because you love your marriage more than you love your personal victory.

That is true submission. It’s choosing to put your spouse’s joy and the health of your marriage ahead of your own wants, mirroring the love Christ has for us.

The Slow Killing of Your Marriage

James continues this sobering discussion, telling us what happens when we refuse to submit our desires: “You want something but you don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and you fight.” (James 4:2).

When we engage in constant quarreling and fighting, we may not be physically killing, but we are slowly and surely killing our marriage.

Our sharp, off-handed, and negative words—or sometimes our lack of words, like the cold silent treatment—can be devastating. They kill a spouse's spirit, they kill their dreams, they kill their self-esteem, and they kill the very joy and vibrancy of the relationship.

The silent treatment is a perfect example of this. It never teaches a lesson; it only inflicts harm. It's a refusal to communicate, a form of emotional aggression that slowly poisons the vitality of your bond.

In a healthy body, you have to cut out the things that cause harm, like a cancer or a case of gangrene. In a healthy marriage, you sometimes need to "amputate" the harmful behaviors: the unkind words, the eye-rolling, the storming out, or the sullen silent treatment. When you eliminate these destructive reactions, you save the rest of your marriage.

The Key to Unlocking Peace: Praying for God’s Will

The scripture then shows us where to turn: “You do not have because you do not ask God. And when you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (James 4:2-3).

This is the ultimate check of our hearts. When we pray for our marriage, what are we really asking for? Are we asking for God to fix our spouse so we can be comfortable? Are we asking for God's will, or are we treating Him like a cosmic vending machine, hoping to pull the handle and get exactly what we want?

We find our greatest example in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus, facing the greatest burden in human history, cries out to His Father, “Let this cup pass from me.” (Luke 22:42). He voiced His human desire, His intense fear, and His deep pain. But He immediately followed it up with the single most powerful sentence in prayer: “Yet not my will, but yours be done.”

That single word, "but," negates everything that came before it. Jesus, in His humanness, expressed what He wanted, but in His godliness, He chose to trust His Father’s will above His own.

We are called to follow that example. Go to God with what you want—even the selfish, human desires—because He wants to hear from you. But always follow it up with a full surrender: "God, I want your will to be done. If this isn't it, close that door. I trust you."

If you are praying, "God, fix my marriage," that's a great start. But the next step is to pray, "God, change me while you fix my marriage." Ask Him what needs to change in your heart, your mind, and your words.

The Daily Choice

You choose every day. You choose to watch your words. You choose to stop killing your spouse's spirit. You choose to stop blaming your partner for things not going your way. You choose to give the situation to God and take your hands off.

This is not easy. It requires patience and consistency because the best results—like the growth of a garden—take time. But the reward is worth the wait.

Today is the day you choose to live in peace and harmony, trusting that God is in control. And if you mess up, His forgiveness and mercy are there for you. Tomorrow, you choose again. That slow, consistent process of submitting your will to God's will is the key to healing your heart, stopping the fights, and rebuilding a beautiful, vibrant marriage.

Ready to make a change in your communication? We've put together a valuable resource to help you immediately apply these principles. Download our free guide, "The 10 Steps to Practical Communication," at the link below. It's a great tool to help you stop fighting and start connecting.