Martha, Mary, and the Lost Art of Presence in Marriage

Have you ever stopped and truly considered what you would do if you knew for certain that Jesus was coming to your house for dinner tonight?

Where would your focus land? Would you be rushing to clean the house, perfecting the table setting, and trying to cook an impressive meal? Or would you be sitting quietly, soaking in the profound honor of His presence?

This isn’t a hypothetical question. The Gospel of Luke gives us a snapshot of this exact scenario, and in it, we find the clearest spiritual lesson for prioritizing our marriages and our daily lives. The story of Martha and Mary is the story of every couple trying to balance the necessary grind of life with the eternal necessity of presence.

The Problem of the Perfect Hostess

The scene is set in Luke 10:38–42. Jesus and His disciples arrive at a village, and a woman named Martha opens her home to them.

Martha is the quintessential hostess. She throws herself into the task of hospitality. If you’ve ever hosted a party, a baby shower, or even just friends for dinner, you can identify with Martha’s brain space: the constant list-making, the purchasing, the preparation, the cleaning, and the cooking.

Why do we immerse ourselves in this frenzy? Because we want it to be perfect. We want to impress the guest—and in Martha's case, the guest was Jesus, the Son of God. Her intentions were good; she wanted to present her absolute best to the Lord.

But this frantic rush to perfection comes at a cost, and it's a cost we see played out in our own marriages every day.

What happens when your brain space is consumed by checking boxes and scurrying around?

• Your Spouse is Forgotten: The one person you should prioritize becomes the most overlooked. They feel dismissed and forgotten amidst the chaos.

  
  

• You Become Short-Tempered: As the stress mounts to meet your self-imposed deadline, you get short with each other. You snap, you criticize, and you move from loving partner to demanding taskmaster.

  
  

• The Focus Shifts: The reason for the gathering—the joy of companionship, the honor of hosting Jesus—is completely overshadowed by the process of preparation.

  
  

Martha was doing everything to prepare for Jesus, but in her anxiety to serve Him perfectly, she completely missed the opportunity to simply be with Him.

The Power of Pure Intentions

While Martha was racing around, her sister Mary chose a radically different path. “She had a sister called Mary who sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he said.”

Imagine being in the presence of the most famous, wisest, and most beloved person in the world. Mary was in awe. She wasn't worried about the dust bunnies or the seasoning of the food; her sole focus was on absorbing every wise word He spoke. She was resting in Him, learning from Him, and prioritizing His teaching above all else.

We, too, have those "God moments"—times when the Holy Spirit is speaking directly to our hearts, and we feel like we are sitting at the feet of Jesus. In those moments, our focus is pure: we are receptive, humble, and completely present.

From a human perspective, Mary might look lazy. After all, if she lived in the house, shouldn't she be helping her sister? But Mary's intuition was profound: The greatest act of service was the act of attention.

The Divine Correction

Eventually, Martha snaps. She's tired, stressed, and resentful. She goes to Jesus and demands: “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me.”

The response from Jesus is one of the kindest, yet most clarifying, moments in the Gospels:

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered. “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Jesus does not reprimand Martha for her good intentions. He gently addresses her focus. He says: You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.

While Martha's intentions were good, Mary's intentions were pure. Jesus wasn't going to take that pure moment of connection and learning away from Mary. He wasn't going to interrupt her worship just to help with a temporary task.

Applying Mary’s Focus to Your Marriage

This story is a powerful command for every couple caught in the daily grind. Your "Martha moments" aren't just about hosting a party; they are the daily tasks that consume your focus: the work emails, the grocery list, the bills, the children’s schedules, and the constant urge to "fix" everything.

It is easy to let the daily grind overshadow the people who matter most—your spouse and your relationship with Jesus.

We see the "Martha vs. Mary" dynamic play out constantly in our home. Brian shared a moment after we hosted a party when he realized he was rushing to clean the dishes while our loved ones were still present and leaving. He chose to stop the cleanup, be fully present, and show love to a beloved couple. He chose the Mary moment over the Martha task.

This is the key to a thriving marriage: Prioritizing the Person over the Project.

• The Interrupt: When your spouse or child asks for a moment of your time, see it as an interruption from Jesus himself. Can you set down the phone, pause the dishes, or close the laptop and say, "I have 30 minutes before I have to do X. Let me spend it entirely with you"?

  
  

• The Eternal vs. The Temporal: The dishes, the emails, the clutter—these things are all temporal. They will be taken care of eventually. But your life with Jesus and your relationship with your spouse are eternal. Don't let the temporary task kill the eternal connection.

  
  

• The Power of Putting Jesus First: Mary sat at Jesus's feet first. When you prioritize your time with Jesus—your "Mary moments"—He will help you manage the rest. When He is first, He brings clarity and peace to your schedule, helping you distinguish between what is urgent and what is truly important.

  
  

We are not saying you should never be Martha; the house must be clean, and the bills must be paid. But we are encouraging you to spend more time as Mary—sitting at the feet of Jesus, resting in His presence, and letting that peace flow into your marriage.

Choose to be present with Jesus. Choose to be present with your spouse. These moments of connection and love are what matters most, and they are the one thing that will never be taken away from you.

If you are struggling with communication and finding it hard to connect amidst the daily chaos, we can help. Download our free resource, "The 10 Steps to Practical Communication," at the link below. It's a great tool to help you stop being "worried and upset about many things" and start focusing on the one thing that is needed: connection.