Marriage Boundaries: Stop Confusion, Build Intimacy

Hey, are your marriage boundaries feeling more like a tangled mess than a clear path? Like they’re causing more confusion than actual clarity? If you're nodding your head, believe me, you are absolutely not alone. This is something so many Christian couples wrestle with. We often get caught up, sometimes mistaking boundaries for big, unloving walls, or even thinking they're just plain selfish.

But what if, just what if, healthy boundaries were actually the secret ingredient? The key to unlocking deeper love, richer respect, and stronger intimacy in your very own Christ-centered relationship?

Today, my goal is to cut right through all that confusion. We’re gonna reveal some powerful biblical truths about boundaries, and I’m here to help you start putting some really good, healthy boundaries into place. I want to educate you, to help you truly understand what these are all about. So, honestly, this is gonna be great stuff!

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So, What Are These "Boundaries" Anyway?

Okay, let's get down to it: what are boundaries? Because let's be real, people often totally confuse them with something negative in relationships. You know, like when someone gets mad and snaps, "That's it, I'm putting a boundary in place, and I'm not gonna allow you to be mad at me anymore!" That’s... not quite it.

Healthy boundaries are truly good and healthy. And I definitely don't look at them as "walls" that we’re building. Why? Because walls, well, they keep people out. They stop us from connecting, right? And we want to connect deeply with our spouse.

Instead, I want you to think of boundaries more like property lines in a relationship. They're clear lines that are drawn. Now, your spouse, being a person with free will, of course, has the ability to walk over those lines. But here’s where boundaries truly come into play: it's about asking, "Okay, what are we going to do about that when it happens?"

And this is key: boundaries are not about controlling your spouse. Not at all. It’s really about managing your own space, your own responses, and your own well-being. And no, they’re not selfish. In fact, I believe establishing boundaries is a powerful act of self-care and mutual respect for both of you. They simply define what you are responsible for, and what you will and will not tolerate. Again, it's really hard to put a boundary in place to stop a behavior from happening. It’s more about, "What are my boundaries as far as what I'm going to do and how I'm going to react and respond?"

Boundaries in the Bible? You Bet!

If we want to understand boundaries, we literally need to go no further than God Himself. Think about Genesis Chapter 2. God was so clear with Adam and Eve, saying, "Hey, you're free to eat from any tree you want! But you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." That was the boundary line. And just like I mentioned, Adam and Eve had free will. They could choose to eat from whatever tree they wanted. But God said, "Here's the boundary I've set, and here are the potential consequences for crossing it." And well, we know the story. Eve was tempted by Satan, they ate, they crossed that boundary, and the consequences followed.

Then, when Jesus came into the picture, He modeled healthy boundary behaviors beautifully. I often think about when He would go off to pray – especially before He was crucified on the cross. He went to the Garden of Gethsemane and spent quiet time in prayer. That was His boundary: "When I'm under stress, when things are difficult, I’m going to take time to pray." He truly modeled for us what healthy boundaries look like.

And when I think about the foundation God and Jesus laid out for us in marriage, they are not saying we need to tolerate harmful behavior. Not at all. If there's any kind of abuse, a boundary absolutely means, "Okay, what am I going to do about this?" It means, "I'm going to get myself to safety," or "I'm going to remove myself from this situation," or even, "I am not going to stay in this relationship until you get the help you need." Remember, your spouse also has free will to decide if they want to do that. I truly believe boundaries promote personal responsibility, not just for you who are implementing them, but for your spouse, too.

Now, a little side note on marriage: you don't always need to verbalize all your boundaries. If you walk around constantly saying, "I'm not gonna tolerate this! And I'm not gonna tolerate that! And here's what I'll do if you do this!" When you do a lot of that, it can quickly turn into a relationship that feels like it's all about rules. And we know Jesus didn't come because we needed more rules, right? He came so we could be led by love. So, keep that in mind, keep that balance. Sometimes, a boundary is just something you hold in your mind. Like, "When my spouse gets angry, I’m going to let them know that hurt my feelings." You don't necessarily need to announce, "Going forward, every time you get angry, I’m gonna tell you!" If it keeps happening, then yes, you might need to think about communicating it more directly. But sometimes, boundaries just happen naturally.

Why Are Boundaries So Important in Marriage?

So, why are these boundaries absolutely essential in marriage?

First, they clarify expectations. For me, personally, if you communicate upfront about something, I get it. Heather and I, for example, if we're going to a party and there’s something personal or private going on that one of us isn't ready to share, we’ll talk about it. Maybe it’s a medical issue. We’ll have a quick chat: "Hey, is this okay for me to share?" If she says, "You know what, I'm not really ready for that, I don't want that out there," that's a boundary she's setting. Now, as I keep saying, I have the free will to say whatever I want, but there could be consequences, right? So, they definitely set expectations.

They also protect your identity and emotional well-being within the union. If it truly hurts you for certain things to be shared outside the marriage about your personal health, whether it's mental or physical, then communicating that helps keep things healthier for you within the marriage.

Boundaries also help prevent unhealthy codependency. They foster a beautiful, mutual respect. When those lines aren't there, or they're not communicated, sometimes we can kind of fuse together. We lose track of "What's my space? What's your space?" Healthy limits build trust by outlining consequences for harmful actions. Like, if I've communicated, "Hey, if you have an affair, we're going to couples therapy, or I'm going to leave." Then, well, if that happens, there are known repercussions. That’s a pretty elevated example, I know, and hopefully, you’re not facing that. But it shows how knowing what’s acceptable and what’s not, and the consequences, builds trust.

Ultimately, it’s good to let your spouse know what’s important to you, what’s acceptable, and what's not. Just make sure you do it in love, with kindness and gentleness. It's not about "throwing the hammer down." Jesus modeled truth and love for us – meaning, yes, speak the truth, but do it in love. Sometimes people will say, "I'm telling you this because I love you." But if you're not tempering it with kindness, patience, care, and gentleness, then honestly, I'd argue it’s not really shared in love; it’s just harsh. So, really think about that as you communicate.

Where Do We Need Boundaries? Common Areas!

So, what are some common areas where boundaries are super useful? These are things Heather and I have seen over and over again when working with couples:

Time and Energy: We all need personal space and downtime. Maybe you just need to flip on the TV or read a book, but your spouse is ready to go, go, go. It’s okay to say, "You know what, I just need a little quiet time before we jump into that." This is especially crucial when one partner comes home exhausted from work and the other, perhaps a stay-at-home parent, is also ready for a break. That’s a prime spot for dialogue and negotiation. "Maybe Monday, Wednesday, Friday I get 15 minutes to unwind when I get home, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you get your 15-30 minutes." It takes negotiation, but it’s all about boundaries!
Finances: Oh, this is a big one! Clear boundaries here are incredibly useful. What’s the dollar limit for purchases without communicating? How much debt are you comfortable with – any, or none at all? Talk about it proactively.
In-laws and Extended Family: This is another common area. Say you're at your in-laws and they start piling on your spouse (their child). What do you do? Sit quietly? Jump in to rescue? You need to have a conversation with your spouse beforehand. Your spouse might say, "Oh my gosh, yes, I need your help, jump in!" Or they might say, "You know what, it’s best if I handle it. I can usually de-escalate with them if you just sit quietly." It’s different for everyone, so talk about what they need.
Communication: This really envelops everything we’re talking about. Boundaries here mean things like, "We’re not going to yell," and "We’re not going to name-call." Remember Ephesians 4:29: "Let no unwholesome talk come from your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up." Name-calling, what John Gottman calls "contempt," is so damaging. It's like you're looking at your spouse as two inches tall. Usually, it comes from frustration, but it never gets you the response you’re truly looking for. Be careful with that one!
Intimacy and Sex: Boundaries here are about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable in the bedroom. Understanding differences – like how women often need connection throughout the day ("crockpots") while men might be more "microwaves" (able to switch on/off) – is huge. Proactive conversations can set parameters: "When I’m reading a book in bed, that’s my signal I’m not in the mood." "But if I put my phone away and the lights are out, that’s probably a signal I’m open." You won't get it right every time, but having these conversations can be so much healthier.
Digital and Social Media/Texting: Big, big areas for boundaries! Think about screen time, frequency of use, and content. Heather and I, for a while, had a boundary: no individual texting with members of the opposite sex. Now, if you have a coworker or boss of the opposite sex, you might agree that business-related texts are okay, but always be above board. Talk about it! If there’s been a betrayal of trust, like an affair, you’ll probably need to clamp down a lot more. Less tolerance for some of these things. But if you’ve built up immense trust over years, like Heather and I have (trust gained in drops, lost in buckets!), there might be a bit more wiggle room. It was different for us in the beginning of our relationship, but we built that trust. Your situation is unique, so, again, communicate with your spouse!

Setting and Communicating Boundaries Biblically (It's a Process!)

How do we actually do this – set and communicate boundaries biblically?

Pray Together, Seek God’s Wisdom: This is the most important thing. Actually pray about your boundaries. Ask for unity, because let’s be honest, one of you might have one thought, the other a completely different one. That’s potential for tension! James 1:5 says if any of you lacks wisdom, just ask God. It’s powerful. I know Heather and I, when setting up for our podcast, the cameras, lights, sound… the tension can really flare! I’m making a commitment to pray more about it before we start setting up. "God, help us, give us unity, help us be gentle and kind."
Communicate Clearly (Use "I" Statements!): You might have heard this since kindergarten, but it’s gold. If you’re upset, be clear about your feelings, and describe, in concrete terms, what the other person is doing. So, "I feel not heard when I ask you to empty the cat litter, and it doesn't happen." Instead of, "You never empty the cat litter, you’re so lazy!" See the difference? When you describe their personality or make sweeping statements, what do you usually get back? Defensiveness, or anger. It rarely gets you what you’re looking for.
Be Firm, But Loving: State your boundary with kindness. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Make sure you’re coming from the right place. We need a combination of brain and heart. Again, that "truth in love" principle – it’s about seasoning your words with salt, with kindness, patience, and gentleness.
Establish Consequences (and Amp Them Up Slowly): You might not need to state consequences immediately. It could start as just something you think about. But if the boundary keeps getting crossed, then yes, you might need to communicate it, and communicate what the consequences will be. Or you can start with no stated consequences, and if it happens repeatedly, then introduce them. Think about that dog next door that keeps coming onto your property, growling. First, you talk to the owner. If it keeps happening, maybe you get the police involved, or you build a fence. The consequences can get ramped up.
Be Prepared for Pushback: This is true for boundaries with your spouse, your kids, anyone. Change is uncomfortable! If you've been a "doormat," people will be shocked. They might say, "What's wrong with you?" But there's nothing wrong with you! Boundaries are healthy when done with love. You might get initial resistance, so temper it with, "Hey, I love you, I appreciate you, I love our relationship and want it to continue. But here’s something that's upsetting to me. Can we work on this together?" Approach it as a collaborative effort.
Be Consistent and Repeat: Boundaries aren’t a one-time chat. You have to be consistent. You’ll need to repeat yourself, because we’re all busy, we’re human, we slip up. I’ve been married to Heather for over 20 years, and I still do things she doesn't like! It’s like Paul in the Bible: "Why do I do the things I don't want to do, and why do I not do the things I want to do?" We’re flawed, imperfect works in progress. But while God's ability to withstand our flaws is infinite, ours is not. So, we've got work to do.

The Beautiful Fruits of Healthy Boundaries

Initially, as you work through these things, there might be some tension and difficulty. That’s normal. But typically, at some point, you’re going to start to feel order, peace, and deep respect. That’s God flowing through you, as long as you keep His presence in the situation. You’ll grow individually in your marriage, and you’ll increase the union you have together.

I often think about a marriage as two circles. You don't want them completely separate, disconnected, drifting apart. But you also don't want them completely overlapping. That often means one person is controlling, and the other is losing themselves – that can lead to an abusive or narcissistic/codependent situation.

The most healthy place for a relationship? Concentric circles. There’s an overlap – things you do in unison – but also things you do individually. For example, I absolutely love to run, and honestly, I love to run by myself. (And no, Heather doesn’t think that’s selfish, because she doesn't like running, and it's even tough on her bones!) When I run, I’m often praying and talking to God. If she were to demand, "Nope, you have to run with me every time," that would be encroaching on my individual space, and her circle would start to slowly overtake mine. That’s an area I don’t want overtaken.

So, you see, healthy boundaries lead to individual growth and a stronger union. Look at boundaries as a powerful tool for truly deepening your love and building a resilient, Christ-honoring marriage. If you do these things, I have no doubt you will see your marriage flourish.

Wrapping Up & Your Free Resource!

I truly hope this episode has encouraged you. As a little extra help, I want to invite you to grab our free communication workbook called "10 Practical Steps to Communication." Click the Link Here: https://love-how-deep.kit.com/practical-communication-strategies

This workbook is going to be incredibly helpful in kicking off these boundary discussions in a really healthy way. The more you talk about these things, the better and easier it will become, I promise.

So make sure you pick that up!

With that, thank you so, so much for listening and watching. We'll see you next time! Take care.