Are Personality Differences Wrecking Your Marriage? How to Bridge the Gap!

Have you ever wondered if personality differences are causing issues in your marriage? You are absolutely not alone. In my work with couples, I’ve seen time and again how understanding these core differences can be the key to a deeper connection. When we learn more about our partner, our understanding grows, and that's the first step to building a stronger, more connected relationship.

A fantastic program we use with couples is called "Prepare/Enrich." It's a comprehensive assessment that helps couples explore their personalities, family backgrounds, communication styles, and more. One of the most insightful areas of this program uses the acronym SCOPE, which stands for five key areas of personality. It's a great way to "periscope" into your partner’s heart, looking beyond the surface to truly see them.

Let's break down each letter and explore how you can navigate these differences in your own marriage.

1. Social: The Introvert/Extrovert Divide

The S in SCOPE stands for Social. This is the classic introvert/extrovert spectrum. It's all about how social you are and how much social interaction you need to feel energized.

It’s interesting because my wife, Heather, and I both score as fairly low on the social scale. We enjoy being around people and are active in our neighborhood and church, but our introverted side definitely needs some quiet, alone time to recharge. For me, if you offered a quiet night at home with a good book or a party with ten of my best friends, I’d choose the book nine times out of ten. That's why our "Friday Night Special," where we cook, listen to music, and just enjoy a relaxed evening at home, is so perfect for us. We also prefer smaller gatherings with just a few friends over a large party, which can be overwhelming.

For couples with a bigger social divide, where one person is an extrovert and the other is an introvert, communication is key. Before you head to a social event, talk about it. The more social partner can ask, "Hey, this party goes late, how long are you comfortable staying?" This simple question shows your spouse that their feelings and energy levels matter to you.

The less social partner can also compromise. Agree to attend the event and genuinely make the most of it together for a couple of hours, leaving any bitterness at the door. You can balance it out by saying, "This weekend we'll go to the big event, and next weekend is all about just the two of us." Sacrificing for your spouse, with a happy and willing heart, goes a long way.

2. Change: Flexible or Routine?

Next is C for Change. This area measures how easily you handle change—whether you prefer a spontaneous and flexible lifestyle or one that is more rooted in routine and tradition.

Heather and I are very similar in this regard—we don’t like change at all! When a big change happens, we take a long time to process through our emotions, praying about it and making sure we are on the same page with God and with each other. It’s not that we’re completely resistant; it's just that we need time to work through the pros and cons.

Here's an interesting dynamic: when one of us is having a hard time with a change, the other person often steps up and becomes the voice of support. "You know what, this can be a good thing! It's going to be okay!" We balance each other out.

If you and your spouse are on opposite ends of this spectrum, support is crucial. The partner who handles change better needs to be a source of emotional support, allowing their spouse to vent and process their feelings. In turn, the partner who prefers routine needs to understand that their spouse's spontaneous nature isn't an attack on their stability. You have to be mindful of each other’s needs and find a balance that works.

3. Organization: Structured or Scattered?

The O in SCOPE is for Organization. This measures whether you are very structured and organized or more scattered and disorganized.

I believe you can be organized in some areas and disorganized in others. For example, I can be a bit messy around the house—my wife lovingly calls it a "trail of breadcrumbs"—but when it comes to things like organizing our podcast, our website, and our finances, I'm very structured and methodical. Heather, on the other hand, is a self-proclaimed "checklist girl" who keeps everything on her phone, but admits she can struggle with organization at school and around the house due to a lack of time.

This difference often leads to friction in marriages. One partner might need everything in its place to feel a sense of peace, while the other is more laid-back about clutter. A great solution we used, especially when our daughter lived at home, was a "10-minute cleanup." We would set a timer after dinner and everyone would pitch in to put everything back in its place. It only took a few minutes, but it made our home feel much more peaceful. This simple act is a way to support the person in your family who thrives on order.

For couples who are both disorganized, it’s vital to be organized in key areas like finances. If budgeting is a struggle, there are resources available to help you create a plan. You must hold each other accountable to stay out of debt.

4. Pleasing: Accommodating or Assertive?

Next is P for Pleasing. This is the spectrum from being accommodating and a "people-pleaser" to being more assertive or direct. This is another area where Heather and I are similar. As an Enneagram Nine, I’m a peacemaker, which often means I want to keep the peace and avoid conflict.

Being a people-pleaser isn’t always a good thing, though. You might find it hard to say no to people at work, at home, or at church, leading to burnout. Over the years, I've learned to pause and check my schedule before I say yes to something. This helps me avoid a knee-jerk "yes" that can lead to bitterness and resentment later.

For those on the more assertive and direct side, the key is to speak the truth in love. It's not enough to just be truthful; the way you deliver the message matters. Some people use their directness as an excuse, thinking that as long as they're telling the truth, they are showing love. But the Bible tells us to season our words with salt, meaning they should be infused with kindness and love.

5. Physical Touch: Feeling Connected

Finally, we have E for Physical Touch. This is all about how you feel connected through physical affection. It goes beyond sex to include simple gestures like hugging, holding hands, caressing, or just being close to each other on the couch.

This is a big one for Heather, and for me, it's my second love language. A simple squeeze of the hand on the couch is my way of saying, "I'm so glad you're here, and I love you."

I remember a key conversation we had while we were dating. I wasn't as affectionate with Heather in public, especially at church. It made her feel worried and disconnected. When we finally talked about it, I explained that I was just cautious because I felt like people at church were watching us. After that conversation, she was able to relax, and I became more comfortable showing affection. It was a crucial moment of understanding for both of us.

This highlights the most important takeaway from all these personality differences: communication is everything. You have to talk about these things. You have to understand what your spouse needs and how to speak their love language.

Wrapping Up & Your Free Resource!

With that, we’re going to work on wrapping up.

Before you go, Check out our free resource called Goals 101.

This is something to help you set personal goals, couple goals, and family goals, just keeping you all on the same page. As you're creating these goals, think about your own personality, think about your spouse's personality, your children's personalities, and how does that help you better decide what some of these goals might be? Just like we've talked about with these personality assessments, it just helps you understand your spouse a little bit more.

And when you do, then you can together create these goals for your marriage. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail. And we don't want you to fail! We want you to set these goals with each other and work on achieving them, and continue to talk about them. Continue to dive into each other's personalities. Get on the internet and just do some personality searches for fun and just learn all you can about each other! It's very engaging, it's quite fun!"