Working Together as a Couple During a Time of Grief
This is going to be a bit of a selfish post that describes a loss that has just happened. There won't much in the way of tips and strategies rather I am writing this to let you know you are not alone if you have or are currently experiencing the loss of a parent.

The Privilege of Having Parents
I am sure that many of you have lost a parent. No matter how a parent passes on whether suddenly or through a long illness it can be a devastating time. I have had the privilege of having 10 parents throughout my life (biological, step, and in-law). When I was a child I would not have called the divorce of my mother and father a privilege. However, now that I am older and have seen so much good ultimately come from having these different people in my life, I can see the good in that.
Unfortunately, though I have now seen 5 of the 10 pass on. All of them occurred way too early (but I guess unless you live to be 100, it seems too early to me). When I was 21 years old, my mother passed away after living with the effects of a severe brain aneurysm for 2 years. Her second husband (my stepfather) whom I lost contact with after he and my mother divorced passed away as well. And both my mother-in-law and father-in-law from my first marriage also passed away.
A Devastating Loss
As I write this today, my mother’s third husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday. It is so shocking and sad for all of us.
He went on to get married again after my mother passed away. His wife is an amazing woman who has been through so much medically over many decades that I am completely devastated for her. What I love most about her is this positive outlook and her smile despite very terrible circumstances.
A Great Man is Gone ☹
I am not exactly sure where this post will go as a write this, but mostly I just want to tell the world what a great man he was. His wife, my sister (I’ll call her “S”, my sister “K” for privacy) and I have all used the words “rock” to describe him (will call him “D”).
He came into my life at a time of great instability. The time between my mother and father’s divorce, through to her second marriage and ultimate divorce of that marriage was a time of great uncertainty. Great uncertainty of what the day would bring financially and emotionally.
The Steady Ship
When D came into our lives, all of the sudden the waves stopped and the boat steadied. I guess I didn’t realize it at the time, but now looking back and hearing what S and K have described I can see it so clearly. D had this amazing calm but also “funny lighthearted sarcasm” about him. He would gently get on me about something I wasn’t doing right, but I felt the genuine love and care in his words. It was his way of helping me steer back on the right path but doing it in a way that could tell he cared so much about me.
Unfortunately, I spent several years in my 20’s causing my own waves and boat to rock and pretty much capsize, but once I got into my 30’s I think the way he treated me in those years finally started to take hold.
The Immense Waves of Grief
Obviously, my grief may pale in comparison to what S and K will be going through, but there is no doubt an incredible wave of emotion that shifts like sand on a windy beach has gripped me the past few days. As you know when you have lost someone it can shift minute by minute. It would be nice to know that the grieving process is the same for every loss, but I have come to learn that it is not. So I really have no clue what this will bring for any of us.
I realize this is a blog to help “educate” married couples, and I had this urge to give you 5 ways to support each other during a time of loss or something like that. But this isn’t the time for that.
Your Stillness and Presence is All that is Needed
If your spouse if going the painful death of a parent, just make sure you are present as much as you can be when they need you. Don’t be afraid to even say something like “I don’t know what to say right now, but can I give you a hug.” Sometimes that is the soothing balm that is all we need.
Contact Me
If you have lost a parent, I would love to hear from you. You are not alone. Please email me at brian@lovehowdeep.com
Please take care of yourselves and each other.
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